I decided to fly solo for my pregnancy

As you may know from a previous post, my boyfriend and I had been attempting to work through infidelity.  I have since found out about more secrets of another woman, that lasted over a year before the one I just found out about, and then was attempted again while I was recently away on a girls trip to Vegas.  I decided to end the relationship.

pregnancyNow, this decision did not come lightly as I am also 17 weeks pregnant with his child.  I found out about the pregnancy a week after the first infidelity, so it hasn’t been an easy road; that was about 3.5 months ago or so.  I had given him a chance to come clean about anything else, but apparently he “didn’t want to cause any more trouble”.

Please, people, if you have done something wrong and have the chance to own up to it, do it.  We likely wouldn’t be in this position if he had, but that’s irrelevant now.

I had been feeling so stressed out, despite it feeling like we were on the right track (because it did feel like we were working through it).  But between the paranoia for not being able to trust him and pregnancy illnesses, this new information (which came again from someone other than him) was just too much.  Too much stress causes excessive cortisol and other hormones, which are not good for a developing baby.  I decided it was time for us to part ways; at least until/if he figures out his life and self.

I feel so many different emotions with this decision; anger at him for doing this to us, and me before the pregnancy was even on the table, and then again for not telling me about it when he had the chance; fear because I cannot afford our current lifestyle on my own; sad because the dreams and plans we had just went out the fucking window; foolish because this isn’t the first time it happened and we’ve been through so much including 3 miscarriages.  I also feel guilty about a tiny spec of hope that I have that he will actually change and be the “good dad and man to [me]” that he said he wants to be.  Either way, I decided that I can’t stick around for his journey if this is how it’s going to be for me.

I deserve better.

Our baby deserves better.

I hope he can see that.  But even if he doesn’t, the baby will have me to care for it and show it the best way that I can.  I never thought I would have to make this journey alone, let alone choose to, but the life I was living, the treatment I was receiving, the relationship we had is NOT what I will be teaching my child.  I want him or her to grow up seeking relationships that are loving, honest, and fulfilling, not deceitful, one-sided, and empty.  Because even though we had passion and good times and I do love him, it doesn’t negate the bad.

Whatever life I live is whatever life will become the norm for this little human that I’m baking, and that scares the shit out of me.  What if I make a mistake or do something that fucks him/her up for their adult life?  I have major doubts about being single and raising this baby without us being together, but it can’t be worse than staying and being unhappy. Can it?  The little voice in my head is being pulled a million different directions.

Thank god for my family, I know they’ll be there to support me, but I feel like I shouldn’t need it, and definitely wouldn’t have needed as much if this hadn’t happened.  Help or no help, though, I will do whatever I can to make this baby’s life a good one, and I guess that’s really all someone can do.  Life is hard, pregnancy is hard, as I’ve come to learn, for people without all this added stress.  I’ve been doing a lot of self-care, reading, yoga, getting back to massage, talking with friends and pregnancy groups and all of it really helps.

If you or someone you know is struggling, talking can go such a long way; sharing similar experiences or just listening/have someone listen helps more than you might know.

I will make the necessary changes to afford a new lifestyle on my own.  He says he’ll help support the baby and me, but I don’t want to have to rely on him anymore.  It’ll be hard at first but I will work out.  Where there’s a will, there really is a way.  I’m not going to give up hope; I have more to worry about than just me, now.




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